Where the Themes have no name

If you’re wondering why the creature from the haunted sea is being use to advertise this blog, then no reason, he just looks to me like a cuddly fella you could have a beer with.

Like the food scoffed when hungover, this weeks offering is barely re-heated and unpalatable (not to mention probably bad for your digestive tract) morsels from the past. The only link with each set of words being that they had to spend some time cogitating in my head, the poor things. Anyway on with the show.

Whoever said 'hate the game not the player' has clearly never played connect 4 against Piers Morgan.

Apparently you can go to Europe for cheap cosmetic surgery. How do you get home through passport control?

If I can round up all the magpies on the planet and pair them together with cable ties then surely I can create good luck for everyone in the world forever. And the odd one left on it's own, well that one is just unlucky.

I'm not saying technology has left me behind, but I thought live streaming was when you took a wee against an electric fence. And you don’t want to know what I did when the IT technician asked me to take him a screen dump…

The world is a vast and amazing place full of wondrous sights. So why do flies decide dog shit is a good place to hang out? I suppose its an upgrade on a Wetherspoons.

I know I have some weird music on my iPod but this song which starts with the lyric 'battery low' followed by silence isn’t the best piece of music I’ve ever downloaded.

I can't believe there is a film called 'Mr Megorium's wonder emporium' did they really give a character that surname just to get a crap rhyme in the title. Probably a good thing his surname wasn't Ducking-Chitwhole.

Why do people in shop mobility carts always look so bloody miserable. They get to go shopping in essentially a land jet ski. They should be have a whale of a time.

If I mash up a pre bought meringue and put raspberries and cream on it can I call it an eaten mess? Or do I need to bugger a younger, poorer boy from one of the dormitories first?

Based on the idea people love observational comedy on the principle 'it's funny because its true", I started my comedy routine with "the Spanish flu killed between 20 and 50 million people in 1918". Barely a titter. It seems to have been playing particularly badly over the past 5 months too.

Apparently hotels raise their room prices on Tuesday and Wednesday. I can only assume these are the most popular nights for affairs. So if your other half has a 'business trip' on a Tuesday or Wednesday, all I'm saying is be irrationally paranoid and fretful as hotel prices confirm you should be.

They talk about a cold shower sobering you up, but in Manchester you don't need that, just make sure the drinking hole involves a degree of walking and the weather will take care of the rest.

How much of a bag of pistachio nuts weight is edible delight and how much is frustrated admin?

The 'meet the contestants' bit on game shows. What's the point? Who cares? If I wanted to hear dull and inane stories from pointless people I'd read my own diary.

If I open a karate club I'm only going to let people called Daniel join. That way I should get to my 3rd Dan pretty quickly. Fun fact - I do actually know at least 3 people called Dan – its on!

Idea for a film. It's called 'the shouting detectives'. It's essentially a buddy movie starring Brian blessed and al Pacino as two mismatched cops who solve crimes through the medium of shouting (at suspects, at each other, at passing pigeons). It won’t need fancy surround sound or anything.

In the 'night of the long knives' if someone had used a sword, they'd have won easily surely?

Take care of yourself folks!

Ol

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