Battle Report - Merry Christmas, War is Starting (if you want)

Disclaimer, this isn't a full battle report, but the key round from the battle, possibly. This has nothing to do with battle chronicler Tech Priest Nuttalis arriving late due to the traffic on Stockportadon IV or his notes on his data slate being hastily scribbled possibly on the same page as his shopping list. Essentially, a large part of this brutal conflict is based on a fading memory, many of these events may not have happened but, as always, never let a lack of truth get in the way of having your say online.

The forces of Dark Angels (they wear eyeliner and hoods so you know they're moody) are led by General Hawkins (good war name, knows lots of bawdy jokes, seemingly about his wife's cat). At this point as chronicler, I should list his army, but see disclaimer above. I can say with some confidence his army had lots of angry 'roid ragers with big guns and choppy things.

Hoping to taint this land with Chaos, came the chaos warhounds. Though if they were interested in chaos they should wander the hive towers of Stockportadon IV on a Saturday night, see what chaos really looks like. These dire mechanical beasts are led by Demon Prince Jones (also a good war name. Family war cry "they don't like it up 'em, they don't like it up 'em!"). He took to battle with a variety of demon engines and some chaos spawn, which looked a little like green hedgehogs that had joined the melee, though they were chaos hedgehogs so terrifying obviously.

Observing this battle was Big War Boss Walka and Little War Boss Walka, attracted to some Krumping like the elven races to cheating in battle.

This conflict takes place on the bleak border of Cheadle XI, an extremely hostile area populated by backwards looking Xenos. The tactical merits of this location have yet to be fully ascertained but one ancient manuscript reveals the strange words "it has a cracking chippy". And those odd scribblings are enough for the forces of good and evil to have a good scrap, like they needed the excuse.

A long time in the future in a galaxy pretty near...

General Hawkins looked at the holosphere in front of him, consulting with his leading field tacticians they decided the best battle tactic was going to be running at the enemy chucking a few windmills. With that the Dark Angels began their assault on this strange planet.

Demon Prince Jones observed the puny Astartes plans with a wry smile. They wanted trouble they had ruddy well come to the right place. He opened up his vox channels and across the battlefield his words echoed around the ruins "come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!" followed by "I think that sounded suitably tough, I must have a shit before we get started" as he forgot to switch the vox caster off.

The first metaphorical punch was thrown by the sexual predator who offloaded everything into the nearest Knight. The Knight knew to use protection when faced with such a creature and suffered no physical damage, though his sense of shame was not so easily shrugged off.

The Land Raider decided to how his seedy cousin how to do it putting his considerable firepower into the Knight (I'm not sure which one, these wardogs all look the same to me, but I can't be accused of prejudice, some of my best friends are wardogs). This led to the wardog exploding taking 3 wounds off his friend behind. "fucking hell, Kevin careful" said the wardog pilot as he watched his friend explode in a blinding white heat.

The Hellblasters drew on their fearsome names and fearsome weapons to muller a wardog with 20 shouts of searing plasma, causing a mighty 2 wounds in the process. The wardog shrugged at this, as much as its chassis would allow it to make such a gesture.

The Deathwing Knights held a quick conflab before deciding holding objectives was for wimps and commies and decided to charge the nearest wardog. Their fearsome blades and maces taking a good few wounds off the wardog, which was particularly miffed about the damage to its paint job. It immediately hit back with its lethal chainsaw severely injuring a Deathwing Knight and ruining his neatly coiffered flat top.

At this point hostilities paused as generals shared the real horror stories of being trapped at home with families and friends over the festive period. Many a battleshock test had to be passed during that conversation, I can tell you.

Demon Prince Jones decides now's the time to try and get the Lion off the objective. However the Lion has a hard name like, Lion because he's hard and not because he was a failed entrant on Gladiators. It won't be easy. But Jones laughs in the face of fear and cackles as he's having his arse handed to him by an oversized Charles Dance.

Quorn burgers, broccoli, pasta, fiendish feet yoghurt...

The injured wardog fell back from the melee feigning cramp before pulling the old "surprise cock face!" and melting a couple of the fallen with his melta. As moves went, it was an oldie but a goodie.

The rest of the wardogs seeing 'operation shoot them in the face with big guns' being such a success did the same causing untold damage (apart from the bits I'm about to tell) wiping out the eradicators. If the wardog had watched enough Arnie films it could have done so whilst saying "you've been eradicated" but they hadn't so it was an opportunity wasted.

A wardog charged The Lion who said "you can't charge me, I'm The Lion" and promptly charged the wardog instead. This resulted in an argument about who charged who first which they decided was best resolved via a punch up. The wardog realised the folly of this approach when The Lion sparked him out doing 32 wounds killing him a couple of times over to be on the safe side.

The Deathwing Knight sergeant decided to show his martial prowess by picking on the wounded wardog and killing it. The wardog decided to follow the success of his friend earlier and blow up injuring the wardog near him and the deathwing knights. At this point Demon Prince Jones issued the (as it turns out unheeded) order for everyone to stop blowing themselves up.

The wardogs decided to show those deathwing knights who really deserved to be called knights, smacking them round the chops killing one and causing thousands of credits worth of dental damage on another, he was going to travel to Turkeyvalon XII to get his smile fixed.

And with that the turn came to a close as the leaders decided what the best way was to inflict ouchy on each other next turn.

Epilogue: Who won, does the victor even matter (NB yes it bloody does!). Alas I am unable to state the overall winner and this is nothing to do with me frequenting the battlefield portaloo at crucial momentsd due to drinking too much tea.

Surveying the twisted wreckage General Hawkins and Demon Prince shook hands and decided friendship had been the winner. But in another, more accurate way, the Dark Angels were the winner.

The parties exited the warzone through the gift shop trying to avoid giving their Tech Bank Manager a heart attack by buying more paints and miniatures. A new dawn was coming. The dawn of warhammer, and this could lead Stockportadon IV back into the dark ages, which most visitors would agree would be a notable improvement.