Those Blue Manic Sunday bloody Sundays I'm in love

Chapter her and now – A thin cut spud close to the scapula

Suzie could swear the air was getting thicker. And greasier. They moved along the rows of shops before the neon sign of the Seaway came into view. As they neared the door smoke seemed to billow out forming the words “turn back before its too late” and “it’ll rot your guts” and finally “hello mum!” the smoke even managed to get the punctuation mark in. Impressive.

Luci paid no heed and stepped across the threshold the oily fried smell burning deep into her lungs. She closed the gap from the door to counter in a heartbeat, opening her mouth to speak. Before she could the toothless crone tending to the (food may be a stretch of a descriptor here) items in the frier span to give Luci a Blackpool Rock hard stare. “No chips!” she bellowed at Luci.

“Now look here…” Luci began adopting the drunken WC Fields defensive stance.

“No Chips!!” the bulky woman repeated in a way that broached no argument. Sheepishly, Luci the most powerful assassin in the 8 parts of the known universe to 3 parts of the unknown universe, backed off beaten. She retreated to the doorway head bowed, with a curtsey thrown in to be on the safe side, where the others were loitering, and thus depriving a few scallies of their usual spot.

“What happened?” Suzie asked a note of concern in her voice.

“She…she’s just too powerful for me…” Luci responded, her body hunched staring at the ground.

“Leave this to thee my good fellows!” Zed said drawing himself to his full height (about 5 foot 4 on a good day, 3 foot 6 if he was having a height ‘mare), before slumping a little as it felt like the right height for the circumstances. He strolled up to the counter, he possible added a bit of a saunter into his journey, as it was just the way the day was going. He cleared his throat and prepared to put on his best (or best fitting) diction.

“No chips!” the guardian of the fried beige stuff yelled getting in their pre-emptive strike.

“Now listen here m’lady (I thinketh…)” Zed started undeterred “I have a valuableth quest and must find the clue hidden by the Quizzicals and trusted to your considerable presence to defend.” The creature eyed Zed with curiosity and more than a hint of playful malice. She considered repeating her sliced potato based mantra, but thought better of it. She spun on the spot and approached the smoking frier behind her, she instantly plunged her hand within. Without flinching she produced a chip, though its relationship to a potato bore all the resemblance of chimp to a shark in a tuxedo.

She placed the faint yellow and bright green scrap on the counter in front of Zed and looked at him intently. Zed knew the look all too well and what was expected of him now. He picked up the digit, grease instantly running down his fingers which, would cause pain to most mortals, but Zed was too stupid to notice, and placed it in his mouth. He chewed, it tasted pretty good actually, probably needed salt, and swallowed opening his mouth to the guardian to show all traces gone. The creature met his eyes and their gaze locked for a minute, possibly two, three absolute tops. She leaned over the counter to look at Zed’s stomach region then a little lower. Seeing no seepage or explosions a look of satisfied formality (whatever that is) crept over her face.

“No Chips!” she declared and pointed to the newspapers on the counter. Zed peered closer and saw the top paper was running the headline ‘Your next clue beardy!’. Zed hurried back to his companions.

“Beholdeth the next clue!” he declared triumphantly, the other 3 cheered and patted him on the back for his heroism.

Alex began to read from the paper “Jasmine from Bradford who enjoys playing scrabble and badger baiting…” their eyes suddenly darting to the photo that accompanied the article.

Zed snatched the paper “Wrong way around, sorry Liege!”, flipping it around disguising what sounded like a disappointed ‘ooh’ from Alex.

“OK.” Suzie began, clearing her throat then clearing her mind. Finally she cleared her nose and bowels to be on the safe side;

“’There was a man from Nantucket

Who bought himself a pig

With the express intention of…sorry you want a clue, the clue is below’”

Suzie looked confused at this elaborate preamble to the clue proper, but read on:

“’If you want to cross between a ridge

Add a ‘B’ to the last word in the line above

Use me to cross rivers too

I’m quite near and in me you can drink beer until blue’”

“The Bridge!” Luci, Zed and Suzie yelled in unison.

“Err, yeah, beat me to it.” Alex said cowishly to give the sheep a break. After a pause, the 3 continued to stare at Alex.

Zed took pity, “M’ludy, is there a pub called The Bridge in the vicinity of Planet Earth?”

“Oh yeah its near Sale town centre back where we started” there was a collective groan from the other 3 and Luci seemed to punch herself in the jaw. The three left the doorway the smell of grease escaping their nostrils and ear canals.

Immediately on exit, a silver bolt struck from the sky, hitting the car parked outside the chip shop. The bolt drew itself up revealing itself to be some kind of high tech cyborg thingy “Oi you can’t park there tinny!” the voice of a resident yelled from a flat above the shops. The silver creature fixed on the 4 heroes its internal processor confirming these were the targets due for termination, with extreme prejudice, and opened its mouth to speak.

“Radical!” it declared and flexed its piledriver like arms taking a step forward.