The Spud Who Loathed Me

Call me Smash-Mail and pull up a seat

A tale to tell have I on a monster beet

This is all true how it came to pass

A brief encounter with a demon spud at Christmas

I donned a jacket and sautéed my prize

A ginormous papa fit for multi–French Fries

On crisp sight of that beast my pants were soiled

A gallon of water for it even to be parboiled

Not a masher big enough to smash it into mash

Any gravy onslaught would bounce off with a splash

That oversized veg haunts me like a ghost

No oven capacity big enough to destroy by roast

Frozen by greed I’ve lost all my poise

Never to go near a dauphinoise

(The mispronunciation of which my mind toys)

My festivities this evil piper did mar

Lament this verse by brass dirge played on tuber

Recalling that tatty tatty does my skin crawl alas

When finally it was cooked I said ‘nada mas to mas mass’

And yet it being the day of Noel

I had no choice but to eat the beastly thing whole

Full to the brim with potato and regret

Trying to ignore the fear of the next day on the toilet

Next year to save me from tears

There are rumours of mythical oversized asparagus ears