The Men (and Women) in Blue

Chapter one - Fixing a Hellmouth

Bailey lent back on her chair chewing on the end of her pen. “How do you spell Sasquatch?” she asked across the desk to a figure hunched over a keyboard typing frantically away. Turner was furiously staring at a spreadsheet hoping it would resolve itself like some kind of magic eye picture.

“Don’t chew on the end of your pen!” Turner spat back distractedly.

“Worried I’ll get ink on my standard issue work blouse?” Bailey asked with a smirk.

“No, I’m worried you’ll break the end of that biro and we’ll have to spend half the day persuading Jones to let you have a new one.”. Jones’ reputation as fierce guardian of the cheap stationary was stuff of office legend “anyway, why do you want to know how to spell Sasquatch?”.

Bailey leaned forward in her chair “I’m writing that we pursued one in my B157 report”.

Turner’s head fell into his hands as some kind of involuntary reflex. “Firstly, Sasquatches aren’t native to Leeds.” Turner picked up his mug with a grey alien on (which the office had got him as a ‘joke’ present in the Secret Santa as they really didn’t know anything about him to get him anything decent and as Turners co-workers lacked any imagination) and took a swig of the long since cold liquid “and secondly, there is no such thing as a Sasquatch.”

Bailey fixed Turner with a stare, “that thing we chased through call lane? Massive, covered in hair, scruffy? What do you call that?!”

“I call that an average resident of a Northern city,” Turner muttered turning his gaze back to his spreadsheet and rubbing his hands across his eyes in the forlorn hope of gaining focus.

“No one can prove it wasn’t Bigfoot. That’s it! I’ll call it Bigfoot in my report, its easier to spell” Bailey twirled the pen around her fingers with triumph.

Turner sighed “Look Bailey” he turned, forcing his gaze away from the screen “There is no way we’ll get the Senior Leadership Team to swallow that. Somewhere in this country is a hellmouth letting creatures from the other side through, and I think its happening in our region. Our best bet is I get this effing funding report…” Turner hoiked his thumb at the screen behind him “…completed, justifying why with a bit more funding how we hope to find the hellmouth letting these monsters through. As right now we’re not adding value as a department, we’ve got nothing. And I certainly don’t think the Hellmouth is open to Sasquatches. Or Bigfeet.” Turner reluctantly turned his attention back to his screen “If we don’t start providing some tangible results, you and I are back to front facing customer services roles.” He muttered darkly.

Bailey involuntarily shuddered. “Hey, we’re providing the public with a vital frontline service. Thanks to us, not a single local death due to beast from the dark side, mythical being, old folk creature or extra terrestrial”. Turner’s eyebrow shot up at this sentence and he seemed to quickly type something into his report. Bailey seemed happy with her reasoning and dived into her tuck-shop like draw for a chocolate based treat.

“I’m not sure the business sees it that way.” Turner stated. “Why else would Payne ask for this funding costs benefit analysis report today?” Turner drained his ice cold milky tea. “Besides, I don’t think our own colleagues have too much faith in us, apparently there is graffiti in the ladies toilets of a leprechaun saying ‘Odd squad confiscated me lucky charms’!”.

Bailey chuckled “Oh that was me!”

Bailey started hitting the keys on his keyboard a little harder than he intended “And why pray tell would you do that?” He asked tonelessly.

“Simple!” Bailey responded sounding inordinately pleased with herself “if we get the pre-emptive strike in, it’ll give people no chance to say it themselves. It throws people off our case.”

Turner picked up his cup out of habit. He placed it back on the desk heavily. “One, you’re not that smart. Two, that makes absolutely zero bloody sense.”

“Wait and see.” Said Bailey trying to give the statement more mystique than it merited. She picked up her pen twirled it around her fingers and started chewing the end again.

At this point Critchley sidled up to their desks and took unseeming pleasure in saying “Payne wants to see you both in her office. Now.”

Turner shot Bailey a glance, Bailey bit through the end of her biro sending black ink onto her blouse “Bollocks!”.

Chapter 2 – In the valley of the passive aggressiveness

Turner and Bailey reached Payne’s office, Bailey was frantically dabbing at her blouse with a paper towel which was having as much impact as throwing a chick pea at a charging Minotaur. Turner went to knock on Payne’s office door, just before his knuckles impacted a light sing song voice from inside called “come in!”. Turner and Bailey exchanged a quick glance, Turner was about to say ‘leave all the talking to me’, but Bailey had already pushed the door open and headed in. Turner cursed her impetuous spirit and followed.

Bailey was already getting herself settled in to the uncomfortable sponge and metal chair as Payne was mid saying “have a seat.”. Turner inwardly flinched at Bailey’s casual bullishness, if a bull could be casual, maybe if it wore the right lounge suit.

“Hi Sharon” Turner managed to get out.

“Hi both.” Payne said with a smile “How are you both doing? And your families?” Turner and Bailey managed some vague prosaic response between them, which Payne pretended to acknowledge, before hitting her stride. “So your Key Work Objectives? How are they going?” she asked in a tone Turner couldn’t read.

“Well…” Turner began a croak in his voice.

“…We saw a Bigfoot the other day in the city centre! The great furball got away this time, but we’ve got his card marked. We’ll get him next time!” Bailey cut across. Payne’s face remained an oblique mask.

“Unconfirmed…err…type four half fur creature.” Turner stammered.

“I see…” Payne said in a way that suggested she was seeing nothing. “So not actually managed to engage any of those things we believe are coming from a Hellmouth?”

“Yeah but the kids love us!” Bailey said with a laugh.

Payne totally disregarded this statement. “No vampires, centaurs, trolls, goblins, ghosts, geists, ghouls, goolies, werewolves, gollums, dragons, cyclops, zombies, Extra Terrestrials, Orcs, Orks, Sirens, Minotaurs, phantoms, necromancers, wolfmen, demons, rat people, zombie dragons, mice people, satyrs, chimera, poltergeist, shades, spectres, ogres, mutant ninja turtles or Methodists?” Payne let the ensuing silence hang in the air. Bailey opened her mouth to speak but Turner shot her a warning look.

Turner took a quick shallow breath of air “I’m still trying to ascertain if Leeds is the centre of the Hellmouth that our Management Information leads us to believe it is.” Turner blinked rapidly a few times “I’d suggest we refresh the data.”

Payne looked Turner up and down, Turner tried to gauge if the response he’d gave or that Bailey would have given was the lesser of two evils.

“I think.” Payne started slowly, hiding the fact there was no thinking at all and she had made a decision long before this meeting started “that we need to get some user research done. If we ask the public the right questions, they will find us our creatures of the never world.”

Turner swallowed the groan down, it may have been a scream. This is what hunting the creatures of the shadows had come to, getting the advice of Joe Public.

“We’re on it!” he beamed back. Turner and Bailey went to the door.

“Turner?” Payne called back “Can I have a quick word please?” Turner caught Bailey’s eye and gave a nod that said ‘you go – leave me to my fate!’.

**********************************************************************************

Two hours later and Bailey was getting lost on the quick crossword she had hidden in the report she had on the mating habits of the Eastern European Succubus.

Turner came back to his desk ashen faced and slumped into his office chair with a thud.

“How did it go?” Bailey asked breezily.

“Oh you know. Fine.” Turner said back neutrally. “Got to have the business case done for tonight. Its going to be a long day.”

“Think of the flexi credits!” Bailey smiled at him.

“Always.” Turner responded wiggling his mouse to get his screen back on. “She likes you.” He said partly to himself.

“Huh?” Bailey responded.

“Payne. She likes you, sees potential. Though engage your brain before your mouth eh? And Focus.” Bailey wasn’t paying Turner any attention.

“Bailey?”

“Yo!”

“Have you booked the user research?” Turner asked wearily.

“Err…no. I didn’t know if that was for you or me to do.”

Turner let out an extraordinarily long sigh. “She said it to us both…you’re a decision making grade…I’ve been stuck in her office the last two hours…show some…never mind.” Turner gave up mumbling to himself. Turner aggressively picked up the phone and started to punch in the number of the user research offices. It was time to meet the great and good, and the less so great and good of the public. He’d personally rather be facing down an Angry Fire Demon whose pint he’d just spilt.

Chapter 3 Spotting the use in User Research?

Turner and Bailey made their way into the small stuffy room in front of them. The wall on one side was full of monitors with three office chairs lined up behind a desk facing the screens. Seymour the head of User Research beckoned for them to take a couple of chairs and filled them in on what would happen; “We are seeing four people today. They all say they’ve had contact with the other side. Would you like brew?” Turner and Bailey shook their heads “We’ll pay them their ten pounds fee once they’re done. If you want to ask them anything while they’re in the interview room press and hold the red button there.” Seymour indicated with his head where the button was "That will open up the intercom into the rooms where our researcher will be doing the interview, you can see the interview on those screens in case you hadn't guessed".

Turner and Bailey got themselves as comfortable as they could on a couple of office chairs “Lets hope this User Research gives us a lead otherwise Christ knows where we’ll have to go next.” Turner gave Bailey an aside.

“Ah no worries!” Bailey said cheerily “you can always reply on the public where the weird is concerned. Besides I’m not sure even we’re at the stage of asking Christ yet, I think that’s outside our remit.”

Bailey and Turner fixed their gaze on the monitors as the first member of the public was led in. A timid looking man in an oversized coat and plastic bag that he didn’t take his hands off. The man provided all the evidence he had of seeing monsters which broadly seemed to boil down to pinning it all on the foreigners in his town and nothing more. Bailey and Turner wondered what job exactly these monsters were preventing this strange man from getting. The User Research lead paid the man and saw them out. Turner blew out his cheeks and shook his head.

A minute later, the next member of the public came in and took a seat. A lady in her mid forties, heavily made up. The User Researcher asked the first question on how she had got here today, but she was already off and running about how she was a vampire from the other world sent to drain the souls of this world.

“No, no I’m not having this freak waste our time.” Turner grumbled.

“Turner, your finger is on the red button” Bailey hissed at her companion loudly. Turner flinched and looked guilty as he lifted his finger from the button seeing the two people in the interview room paused in stunned silence. He then caught himself and pushed the button down again.

“No I stand by all that. Please leave. Thank you.”

“But they have to stay for three question to get the ten pounds.” The User Researcher stated from inside the room.

“They have to do what now?!” Turner spluttered exasperated “I’ll pay them the tenner myself!”

“We’re not allowed to do that. Its in the guidance.” The User Researcher implored.

“I want my ten pounds.” The lady said arms folded tightly across her chest.

“Fine, ask her the last two questions.” Turner looked at Bailey “Honestly I…” Turner checked and moved his finger from the red button “…A vampire? That’s come here in daylight for a bloody tenner? Times are hard for the soul sucking Dark Princes and Princesses it seems”.

Bailey and Turner sat with their arms crossed in unison as the lady really milked her answers. Turner felt this was all deliberate on her part, her fifteen minutes of what? It wasn’t fame, attention? Wasting the time of some underpaid and over bored Government workers?

What felt like weeks later the last participant entered her heels clicking on the hard office floor. Bailey was starting to turn off and Turner was stabbing his hand with a biro to stay focused, it wasn’t really working he was getting to the worrying stage of thinking he might have to tug out his pubic hair for the pain to keep him awake.

“OK, just to warm us up” The User Researcher began with more than a trace of boredom in his voice “Why don’t you tell us your name and why you’re here?”.

The lady pulled back her hood revealing violet eyes that seemed to glow in the badly lit room. She fixed the User Researcher with a look and began to speak in a low rumble “I am Zule, betrothed to Iniago the Destroyer of Dimensions, Prince Demon to the followers of misrule, claimer of souls plus gatekeeper. Iniago has jilted me too many times and now I’m here to reveal his nefarious plans so that you may destroy him and I am set free.”

“OK Zule would you like a cup of tea?” The User Researcher asked brightly.

Bailey snorted upright “Another crank!” she declared and reached for the red button, Turner caught her hand his gaze not leaving the screen.

“I read about this demon in one of the neverworld encyclopedias, or Tobin’s spirit guide. Might have been a comic book come to think of it. Either way, I think she’s legit.”

“Thanks for all that Zule” the User Researching was parroting back robotically. “And can you tell me how you got here today…”

“…Sod that!” Turner’s voice cut across the researcher on the intercom. “Iniago, tell us where he is and what he is.”

“OK.” Zule nodded “But I was promised biscuits with my tea.”

One not especially pleasant tasting brew and cheap supermarket home brand biscuits later and Zule was willing to tell all that she knew. What it all boiled down to was Iniago was owner of the Hellfire club (Turner flinched at the cliché of the name) in Leeds, which generally ran bad funk nights, but once a month there was a private members night in the VIP room where he would open up a Hellmouth allowing the creatures from the dark up into the mortal realm. To be invited to this party you need a specific laminated pass and Zule just happened to have a couple going spare for the right price. The right price turned to be a promise of immunity from what happened plus £124.79.

The search had been full of use.

Chapter 4 – Making plans. And some more plans. And some additional plans in triplicate

Bailey and Turner sat in Payne’s office trying to feign casual indifference, though neither were quite sure what that was so they mostly looked bored, which was the normal face people had in Payne’s office.

From the corner of his eye Turner could see Bailey inching towards a bowl of boiled sweets on Payne’s desk. Turner attempted an ancient Peruvian shamanic technique he’d read about to transmit his thought process to Bailey and order her to stop reaching. It seemed to be having zero effect “Don’t” he whispered out of the side of his mouth, Bailey’s arm continued to edge forward “fucking don’t!” Turner said a lot louder than he intended, Bailey’s arm snapped back to her side and Payne looked up from the call she had been taking for the last twenty minutes and scowled at Turner.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Walk the dog and have the tea on for seven yeah?” Payne ended her call “Sorry about that important business. Sweet?” Bailey’s arm shot into the bowl. Turner despite being paralysed by fear managed to stiffly shake his head.

“So” Payne began letting the ‘so’ hang in the air like the smell of muck spreading on a winter’s day. “So you’ve got a Hellmouth and want to go undercover and destroy it?” Bailey opened her mouth and shut it as Turner cut across.

“I’ve got this. Yeah the evidence is strong and me and Bailey are going to take it down. We’ll need firearms, explosives, silver blades, crucifixes, garlic, salt, fire, rope, a pentangle, cumin, holy water, protractor and a laptop.”

“Just the two of you?” Payne asker her eyebrow raised.

“Yeah I’ve done an Action Plan and two is plenty enough.” Turner said, hiding the worry he had that his Action Plans were notoriously inaccurate and he could be about to leave him and Bailey badly understaffed against the forces of evil. Bailey sat absent mindedly staring out of the window crunching irritatingly on a lemon sherbet.

“OK, I’ll need a Business Plan” Payne decided. This was her first mistake, Turner had been anticipating this move.

“Emailed to you earlier.”

“And a risk log.”

“Yep sent you one of them.”

“Stakeholder matrix?”

“Attached to the same email.”

“Issues Log?”

“Check.”

“Costs benefits analysis?”

“That’s in there too.”

“Gantt chart?”

Turner paused, he’d forgotten to do one of those. He failed to see the relevance of that to what they wanted to do, but he knew he’d have to make one up to get sign off on the items.

“I’ve done a Gantt chart!” Bailey stated, interrupting Turner’s thoughts. Turner spun in his chair to face Bailey astounded. Payne’s face didn’t move. “That thing you have where you have the names of people and their role in the organisation?”

“That’s obviously an organisation chart!” Turner clarified “A Gantt chart is…I’ll tell you later”, Turner realised he didn’t know enough about Gantt charts to expose his ignorance in front of Payne.

Truly the creatures of the abyss didn’t know what paperwork was going to hit them.

Chapter 5 – You have no idea what’s in store for you

Turner came out of Payne’s office and crossed to Bailey’s desk, who was staring into space with a smile on her face “You ready to go and see Bramley to get the stock for this mission?” he asked.

“I was born ready!” Bailey instantly snapped out of her trance and replied excitedly. She continued to look at Turner after a considerable pause “What?”

“As in we’re going to see him now.” Turner said, but Bailey still looked confused “As in get off your arse and come with me to stores now!” he spoke each word slowly.

“oh.”

**********************************************************************************

Turner and Bailey slowly edged towards Bramley, who was methodically eating the crusts off his soggy looking cheese sandwich. This wasn’t a good start to the endeavor.

“I can see you’re on your lunch” Turner started tentatively.

“Yes I am.” Bramley said back neutrally. He then turned slightly in his chair, so his back and shoulders were to Turner and Bailey and exposing how badly around the collar his shirt had been ironed. Bailey and Turner stood awkwardly on their spot, pretending to read posters on the wall which were at least five years out of date. Bramley slowly ate his sandwich, noisily drained his cup of tea and started to chew away at an apple. After about ten minutes, he unfolded a grimy looking napkin, wiped his mouth and turned back to face them.

After an infernal pause Bailey broke the silence “we’re here for some items for a never world bust!” she said cheerfully. If Bramley registered the words, his face did not move one bit.

“And you have the ES498A?” he spoke slowly.

“Here you go.” Turner thrust the thirty page document to the man trying to hide his contempt. Bramley proceeded to slowly scan every page licking his finger each time he turned over.

“Your line manager hasn’t signed it” he ultimately said.

“Yes she fu...yes she has!” Turner said louder than he intended. “Last page” he pointed sharply at the document.

Bramley slowly shook his head “She hasn’t signed the equality impact assessment section on page 16."

"Yes, but she has signed the last page to say she fully approves of the entire business case, including the equality impact assessment, and agrees for us to have the items. And all we want is the items, so surely you have everything for us to have the items. The items?!” Turner said frantically.

Bramley sniffed “not the same thing. I can’t let you have a single thing without the authorisation on all the pages.”

Bailey went to speak, forgot what she was going to say, thought of something else, then thought better about speaking altogether. Turner, his face puce, snatched the document from Bramley causing it to tear a little and stormed off knowing he’d have to spend hours waiting for a gap when Payne wasn’t in a meeting. Bailey shrugged and followed.

“I won’t be able to accept that form if its ripped.” Bramley’s voice trailed after them.

**********************************************************************************

Turner and Bailey attempted to barge angrily back into Bramley’s room, which wasn’t easy in an open plan office.

“What?” Bramley asked indifferently. Turner said nothing and angrily thrust the signed form under Bramley’s nose.

Bramley slowly put down the report he was reading, that clearly had a train magazine in he middle of it. He picked up the forms from Turner slowly reading every word on every page. He took a couple of loud slurps of his tea. He then answered an email on his computer before turning to Bailey and Turner. “So you’re going undercover to prevent a demon ring?”

“You Betcha!” Bailey declared cheerfully. Turner was still too angry to respond in any way.

Bramley picked up the form and passed it back to Bailey “You need an ES498A”. Turner was momentarily dumbstruck.

“That’s whats in front of you!” he finally exploded.

Bailey slowly shook his head “No. This is a ES498B, undercover request for vampires. It doesn’t cover you for demons.”

Bailey decided to pick up the reigns feeling the seething anger emanating from Turner “Whats the difference in the forms?” she asked.

Bramley pointed to the top of the first page “Title. Should say Demon not vampire. I can’t accept this.” Turner snatched up the form and hastily scribbled out the word Vampire replaced it with Demon. He went to hand the form back, caught himself and crossed every reference to ES498B and inserted ES498A next to it before finally handing it back.

“I can’t accept defaced forms.” Bramley stated.

Turner drew a large breath and counted to three “But the world could end if we don’t get this equipment and complete this raid as a matter of urgency.” He stated desperately “Are you going to deny us stopping the end of humankind over the sake of a the conditions on a fucking form?!”

Bramley pushed up his glasses and looked at Turner without any expression “I can’t let you have the items without the right form.”

Turner snatched the form off Bramley and stormed off as aggressively as he could manage Bailey rolling her eyes and joining him. “I’m going to shoot him as soon as he signs off the sodding gun to me.” Turner muttered darkly to Bailey.

**********************************************************************************

What seemed like many working weeks later Bailey and Turner retreated to the sanction of their office a box containing the items Bramley had begrudgingly sanctioned off after checking the ES498A and not being able to find a reason to reject it, despite his best efforts.

“OK I’ll read out from the list, you check the item is in there” Turner stated to Bailey as he sat at his computer and brought up the inventory list file. Bailey nodded.

“Salt?” Turner asked.

“Two sachets.” Bailey called back. Turned shrugged, it would have to do.

“Holy water?”

“Err…lemme see…we’ve got some supermarket brand spring water with a page from the Bible, I think, floating in it.” Turner nodded, he frankly had no idea what criteria transitioned spring water to holy water, it seemed as valid as he could think of.

“Silver blades. Times two?”

“OK, lets have a look see. We have a silver plate letter opener. Should do the trick right?” Bailey answered brightly.

“Pretty sure in the movies they use sterling silver, but we’ll improvise.” Turner said semi contentedly.

Turner rolled his mouse down “Firearms then?” he asked eagerly.

Bailey reached in the box “two muskets and four led shot” she confirmed. Turner toyed with visiting Bramley again and making do with three shots for the mission, but thought better of it, the paperwork for shooting a colleague in an office was prohibitive.

“OK, cooking on gas! What about garlic…”

“…paste?” Bailey cut in. For all Turner knew that should do the trick, he nodded. Turner paused and pondered it some more, did garlic work against vampires really? Were there going to be any vampires in this raid (admittedly Turner had said in his report that there would be a couple to ensure a better chance of it being approved). Ultimately he concluded garlic paste in any person or creatures eye was going to be an effective weapon.

“Yeah sure.” He said with no conviction. “Whats left?”

Bailey rooted around in the box some more “Well, we’ve two wooden rulers and sellotape, so reckon we can make some rudimentary crucifixes there. Also, a ball of string and a whistle.”

“A whistle? Who the bloody hell thought we’d need a whistle? That’s gonna really take down the legions of the damned!”. He picked up his musket and rested the barrel on his shoulder “let’s roll!” he strode purposefully out of the door.

“Cliché much?” Bailey asked the empty room “so I’m doing the carrying donkey work whilst you walk off like some office junior dressed Peter Cushing?!” she shouted after him. Hearing no reply, she emptied the items from the box into her bag for life now a bag for taking lives.

Chapter 6: Clubbed to Death

Bailey and Turner stood outside the Hellfire club pressed hard to the side of the building unsuccessfully attempting to shelter from the Yorkshire rain. The doors didn’t open for another two hours. Despite clearly not looking like demons the two attempted to feign menace. “You know, I’m pretty sure demons don’t get to club nights early” Bailey concluded. “Plus, I’m not sure I can carry on chewing gum this aggressively for another two hours. My jaw is killing me” she added.

Turner had to (unusually) agree with Baileys findings. “There is a pub over the road, it has a view of the club, lets kill time in that”. Turner saw Baileys eyes light up “soft drinks only, we’re on duty” and before she could protest that he added “And our expenses will only cover one drink each, so make it last eh?”

**********************************************************************************

Bailey and Turner sat in a dingy corner of the pub letting the ice melt in their orange juice to stop the fluid levels dropping too quickly.

“Well just ring her, she’ll get us in early” Bailey was encouraging Turner.

“Can’t. Its against Acceptable Use policy to ring the public on a works phone” Turner replied cocking his head at the mobile phone on the table.

Bailey sighed “I’m not sure demons count as members of the public” she muttered into her glass.

Turner smiled overhearing this “No, I looked it up, the guidance is clear on this one it says we shouldn’t ring anyone from this world or the never world.”

Bailey laughed hollowly “Shouldn’t isn’t the same as mustn’t. Bloody vague guidance as always I say.”

Turner took the shallowest sip of his now orange flavoured water. He jumped slightly when the mobile started to vibrate on the table and the polyphonic ring tone kicked in. He picked up the phone and ‘Zule is a tool’ appeared on the incoming call display.

Bailey couldn’t suppress her laugh “what does the guidance say on adding humorous names for the public in your phone contacts?”

“Believe it or not, the guidance doesn’t cover this one. So you’re ‘amusing’ joke is allowed” Turner picked up the phone “Anyway I should get this one”.

Turner stood up and moved away from the table to find a quiet corner of the pub. Given the quality of the pub that meant he had his pick of the corners. After a few minutes he returned to Bailey “drink up, we’re on”. Bailey needed no excuse to push her tasteless drink to one side.

**********************************************************************************

The duo stood around a large metallic black door at the back of the Hellfire club. A clanking sound could be heard from inside followed by the door opening with a creak.

Zule stepped out in high cut jeans and crop top her face had decorative glitter on it. She looked ready to party. She’d look like an ordinary reveler if not for the glowing violet (and heavily diluted) eyes. Actually still not that different.

Stepping out after her was a giant hulking figure in a dark suit wearing a stag mask. At least Turner thought it was a stag mask, it was hard to be sure. Zule pointed at the brute behind her “This is Iker – he’s the club owner and guardian of the club hellmouth.”

The giant stepped up menacingly to Bailey and Turner seeming to grow in size as he stood in front of them “pleased to meet you” he said in a high pitched reedy voice before delicately shaking their hands.

Zule took a big draw on her vape “Come with me” she disappeared back into the club the spent steam trailing after her “the club night is starting soon, the Hellmouth doors are at midnight” her voice came out from the door. Bailey and Turner gave each other a nod and stepped in.

Bailey took in the décor of the club. A small bar (which would realistically serve about three people) sat in the far corner, the walls were a purple hue and had posters of Union Jacks, Michael Caine and Mohammed Ali on them. “Wow, whoever designed this club is clearly a vampire as they have no soul” Bailey remarked a hint of disgust in her voice.

“Quiet!” Turner hissed “you wanna take it up with Iker?”. Zule wandered over.

She smiled at them both “Stay in here, when the Hellmouth ritual is about to start, I will get you. I’m off to the VIP area.” She wandered off to a corner of the room ten feet away which was different only by the velvet rope separating it. She just about navigated the rope in her high heels before sitting with some similarly glam looking demons and reaching for the bottle in the bucket at the centre of the table.

“Seems even the undead have a nightclub hierarchy” Turner muttered.

“I’m getting a drink” Bailey decided.

Turner caught her arm “I told you, we’re on duty” he said quietly.

Bailey laughed “Do you want to stand out in front of all the creatures from the other side?” Bailey asked stretching her arms out to encompass the other five creatures stood around the room. “Its bad enough you’re dressed like you’re off to the golf club Christmas charity fund raiser” With that Bailey wandered off to the bar, Turner took a look down at what he was wearing, he couldn’t see a problem with it.

Turner watched as Bailey waited for the demon in front of her to have its elaborate cocktail made. Fifteen minutes later she returned to Turner she looked ashen faced “Twelve sodding quid for two bottles of lager. Its not even properly cold” Turner gratefully accepted the tepid bottle “Whats the strategy?”

“Hell if I know, blend in wait for the signal from Zule.”

“Should we dance?” Bailey asked.

“No. We should not” Turner returned firmly.

With that the pair returned to a corner and nursed their pricey now totally warm beer as more and more creatures from the never world piled in and bought overpriced drinks before dancing to generic house based music. The creatures with the extra limbs were pretty good dancers to give them credit.

Turner kept nervously staring at his watch “How long?” Bailey asked.

“Fifty minutes. You got the supplies to hand?” Bailey nodded and opened up her oversized clutch bag revealing the ‘bag for death’, as she had rechristened it, inside.

“Ever done anything like this before?” Bailey asked, her voice portraying a hint of nervousness.

Turner paused “Err…I’ve done the E-Learning on it” he said without conviction “And I’ve read all the guidance on taking out creatures from the abyss” he gave Bailey a half smile “we’ll be OK”.

Turner and Bailey remained in their corner, Turner taking regular trips to the toilet due to a combination of nerves, weak bladder and weak lager. He’d used up all his change having unpleasant aftershave sprayed on him by the toilet attendant demon.

At 11:50 Zule staggered over she had a wide grin plastered over her face and slurred her words a little when she told them it was time. She walked towards a door at the back of the room, turned and playfully beckoned with her finger for Turner and Bailey to follow.

Turner nodded at Bailey who picked up her bag and clutched it tight to her chest.

**********************************************************************************

Turner and Bailey found themselves in a pretty bare warehouse room that someone had desperately tried to give the right ‘vibe’ by lighting a load of candles and incense and putting up a couple of strategic placed drapes. There was an altar to the centre of the room which looked like it may have been made from plywood and marble.

Zule tottered over to a tall slim man with what Turner guessed was a £100 haircut (as if Turner had any expertise on such things) which didn’t suit his hawkish features. He was wearing a white suit over a pink shirt that had more buttons undone than was decent, even for a member of the underworld. Zule whispered something in the figures ear, he turned his impenetrable gaze on Turner and Bailey.

“Ah powerful demons from the Admin region..?” his deep rich voice tailed off as he seemed unsure about what Zule had told him. “Welcome friends, I am Iniago, make yourself comfortable, the show will start soon!” he said theatrically.

Bailey and Turner backed up to one of the iron pillars in the room, Baileys arm was tensely holding onto the contents of the bag.

A number of menacing looking creatures were starting to fill the room. Iniago made his way to the altar and picked up the heavy book on it and started to turn the pages intently. He picked up some ruins and appeared to draw a pentangle in blood on the floor, though the colour looked a little too rich to be blood, neither Bailey nor Turner had the best view to fully tell. He grabbed a goblet of indeterminate liquid which he took a large draught from, before stepping into a discreet corner to spit it out “I bet that drink cost a few quid in here” Bailey whispered through her teeth.

Iniago donned a paisley cape, which did not compliment the white suit, pink shirt combo and stepped back to the pentangle, he opened his arms wide in a gesture for quiet, the room fell silent except for one over imbibed demon that needed a sharp nudge in the ribs.

Iniago inhaled deeply and began to chant. Turner and Bailey could not decipher its meaning, it may have well been the lyrics to a popular chamber piece by the Albanian women’s choir for all they knew.

A deep bass rumble started to build from the floor, ever increasing in volume all the candles blew out simultaneously. An eerie violet light illuminated the room from the centre of the floor. Bailey risked a glance forward and through the throng of creatures could see where the floor had been there was a gap now and some eldritch shape was starting to emerge. She shuffled back to Turner her face telling him all he needed to know. She passed him a few objects from the bag and with that, they nodded at each other and sprang forward.

Turner levelled his pistol at Iniago and took his shot, the shot tearing into the horned creature nearest to him and felling it. Turner inwardly groaned and the element of surprise was now lost. The crowd of creatures were turning to face the civil servants, Bailey took her shot dropping the large monster bearing down on her.

Realising there was no time to reload, Turner drew his letter opener and ducked under the strong swing of the nearest creature he rose and drover the blade into the exposed neck of this monster which let out a curdled scream and fell back.

Bailey had similarly given up any attempt at the slow reload and had grabbed the bottle of holy water from her bag and squirted it in an arc over the crowd rushing her. The animals squealed as smoke rose from their bodies and retreated leaving a trail of burning flesh behind.

Something grabbed Turner from behind and brought its fangs close to his neck but before it could bite it inhaled the variety of cheap aftershave Turner had forced upon him in the toilet and reeled, this pause gave Turner long enough to spin and stab his blade into the chest of the creature.

“Screw it!” Turner yelled and Bailey nodded, the two rushed into the group of creatures in front swinging, windmilling, anything to land as many blows as possible the herd were being pushed back but reinforcements were starting to appear from the violet light in the floor. Turner reached into his top pocket for his whistle as a Hail Mary and blew hard on it creating a shrill note which seemed to irritate the demons but not do a lot else. Turner spat the whistld out “Bollocks to it, waste of time!”

Bailey and Turner could feel themselves getting surrounded and soon powerful arms grasped them and they could fight no longer. They were wheeled around to the alter in front of Iniago. Zule turned her gaze away.

Iniago stepped around the front and got his face close into Turners. He then stepped to the side to look at Bailey taking a long inhale close to her neck.

“So this, this, is what is sent to stop us?!” he roared. Stepping back to the altar he picked up a large serrated blade which he poured some of the red fluid along its blade. “Today you learn when hell comes to town you are better off being as far away from it as possible!” he swung the blade around a few times to test its weight and stepped back towards Turner and Bailey.

**********************************************************************************

Iniago stood in front of Turner and gave the blade a last spin “what are you waiting for?” Turner spat defiantly.

“Pleasure working with you boss!” Bailey managed to get out and Turner nodded at her. Iniago raised the blade above his head and prepared to swing.

There was a sudden crashing sound from the back of the room and light streaked in simultaneously from numerous angles as all doors burst open and figures rushed in freezing all the creatures in their tracks.

“I hope you have a F141(e) for that soul blade?” a voice cut across the room. The various hellmouth monsters remained motionless. Iniago started to bring the blade down fast at Turner, before slowing down and letter the blade hang harmlessly at his side before dropping it. “And is that a Hellmouth? There hasn’t been a single one of those approved for opening this month, so don’t tell me that has been legitimately launched.” Lynch stepped forward from the back lighting, she was flanked by two non descript admin staff in blue shirts. “So ladies and gentlemen and oddball creatures of the night if you would like to form a neat queue at the side of the room my associates would like to check your papers and ask you a few questions.” Bizarrely these nightmarish creatures did exactly as they we told.

Bailey and Turner felt the grip release on their shoulders and both exhaled. “How did you find us?” Bailey called breezily finding her composure much quicker than Turner who just felt like being sick.

Lynch smiled “Well when you two didn’t follow the safety principles clearly written in guidance to do a safety call every three hours, the protocol kicked in, and we came to check on you as a matter of urgency. The whistle signaling us when to spring into action was the appropriate signal in guidance”

Bailey eyed Turner up “You knew about this protocol and all that right?”

“Yeah of course I did!” Turner stated in a way that Bailey couldn’t read. She smiled at him.

Lynch wheeled round to her two employees “Good work, looks like you’ve stopped an illegal Hellmouth opening in my town. Last thing we needed was demons without the correct paperwork getting up to mischief.”

“Lynch, Thanks” was all Turner could get out and he threw himself around her in an awkward hug.

Lynch squeezed back before not unkindly peeling Turner off “Now, I just need a write up of all this in duplicate, a risk log, lesson learned, success profiles updating and if you could survey some of the creatures on here so we can fulfil our stakeholder engagement scores?” She paused “Have that by me for close of business tomorrow” she turned and walked off not waiting for confirmation.

Bailey stepped towards Turner’s side. “Well boss we did it!” she gave him a playful nudge “Totally took down the forces of evil”

“We did OK” Turner confirmed “Come on, shops are opening I’ll treat you to a Greggs pasty and coffee to celebrate being alive”

“Wow that is living!” Bailey said tongue almost lost in the confines of her cheek. The pair walked past the demons being questioned at the side of the room and gave Zule a

conspiratory nod, which she returned with a barely suppressed smile. Turner held the large door for Bailey to pass through she caught his eye as she passed “We have the paperwork, we have the talent” she stated in triumph, as the cold clean air of the city embraced the pair.