Small Smirk Audio

Once more some old stuff from the vaults. There are rumours of semi original landing soon, possibly tomorrow. What a time to be alive. In the meantime onward unoriginality…

Becoming an adult is giving all your cherished childhood toys to charity shops. Being an adult is buying back all your cherished childhood toys online whilst drunk.

None headline I read today: 'Marylynn Monroe would have been 86 if she was still alive'. Which is a bit like running the 25th of December headline 'Jesus Christ would have been 2019 today if it wasn't for that small incident with the planks of wood.

I wonder if the four tops fight over who has to go on the bottom bunk beds when touring?

That's the last time I use that 'quick and easy' cookbook. The recipe for chili con carne said 'use your favourite bean'. It doesn't matter how much chili you use; Sean Bean doesn't taste right with rice and guacamole. Still it's a novel way to go. Even for him.

I imagine as a leopard it’s very hard to follow fashion trends.

I must remember to check what I type into google better, after a driving lesson of being repeatedly hit by a whip, having hot wax poured over me and being told I was an insignificant toad. I can only guess the BDSM driving school is for a more niche market.

Sometimes the short description of a film in the newspaper is way more interesting than the actual film. Take this description for 2005 film Elektra: "A martial arts expert returns from the dead and becomes an infamous assassin. Hired to kill a man and his daughter, she finds the mission weighing heavily on her conscience and chooses instead to save their lives from a secret ninja society with mystical powers. Adventure with Jennifer Garner." A much cooler sounding prospect that the more accurate: "Bag of shite, with Jennifer Garner"

Saw a couple of young kids having a mock fight and one gave a karate chop whilst shouting 'hiyah'. It's nice to know some cliché noises and moves have passed down the generations.

My understanding of the meaning of infinity is that it means endless, eternal, without limits. Unless it has the prefix of ‘BT’ in which case it means slow, unreliable, likely to stop working for no reason.

If you love someone to the moon and back. Which intergalactic service station is your love best stopping at to pick up wine gums?

I think I may have taken 'keeping up with the Kardashians' a little too literally and now I'm stuck in a vortex of perpetual vacuousness with an oversized arse.

I always vowed I'd change the world when I grew up. And by defacing the country boarders in every atlas I come across I feel I've kept that promise.

I don't know why the weather forecast always tells you what the weather was today. It's a bit like pointing out to someone they have an arrow stuck in their leg.

How did the flake bar win the battle to be stuck in the top of an ice cream? And was there a period where Drifters, Wispa gold and Curly Wurlies battled a Cadburys civil war for frozen dairy supremacy?

The chocolate bites from Sainsbury's has a picture of them on a plate on the front with 'serving suggestion' next to it. That's where I've been going wrong, I've been serving them on a floating alligator turd. NB, I have no idea if alligator turds float or not, but I'm assuming so as otherwise they'd just drop on the river floor so whenever an alligator performed a death roll, it's just be rolling it's tea in its own faeces. And no one wants that kind of baste.

There was a McDonalds open near me for 20-30 years. It shut for about 5 years before opening recently as a Nandos. You can't fight progress.

Sigourney Weaver on recording the voice for the alien game: "....it's been a long time since I've played Ripley – and I was very surprised that, when I opened my mouth without even thinking, it was her voice" What voice was she expecting, did she originally do Ripley through a Vocoder a la Cher on Believe? “staaaayaaayyy awaaaaayaaayyy from her you Bitch!”

Well if I jumped that red light the man in the van behind me positively bought a trampoline, strapped on the spring boots and gave it his best Van Halen.

I've finally finished my literary opus, 'Reasons to be cheerful'. I've copied and pasted the whole text from the book below:

“Terry's chocolate oranges are ok I suppose.”

Until we meet again, take care. X