Shitness (of) the unfitness

This week is all about looking after mind, body and soul including top tips for doing this. If you’re finding Coronavirus impacting on any of those, ‘help’ is at hand.

Physical health:

I've been using enforced home time to build a 'Coronavirus body'. And by that, I mean I've got a pallid skin from vitamin D deficiency, bags under my eyes from worry and a beer belly due to drinking being the only hobby I can still do. What do you mean other hobbies are available?!

But, it doesn’t have to be that way. You just need to, get yourself a good workout routine. I recommend the following for starters:

· 10 reps lifting the cereal box over your head. Try and avoid ‘heavy cereals’ like Cheerios and start with things like Shredded Wheat. If you’re not sure your level start on a box from a variety pack. Eat some of the cereal if you need to ‘calibrate’ the weight for you.

· 15 reps opening up the laptop. If you only have a tablet, then 20 screen rotations works.

· 9 reps unscrewing the cap off the milk. If you still have a milkman delivering milk bottles, then arm wrestle them (respecting social distancing obviously) instead.

· 1 rep getting out of bed in the morning. This one can be tough depending on how much methylated spirits you drank the night before.

· 4 reps opening and closing the curtains. If you want to get your heart really pumping add the extra risk of doing it whilst wearing no clothes.

· 5 reps lifting and lowering the toilet seat. Ensure you finish with the toilet seat down; we’ve not reached the levels of (toilet using) animals yet.

· 1 rep trying to actually peel the film lid off the microwave ready meal. Given the difficulty of this exercise, it is recommended you start with this one.

Find time to get out for your walk to help with mind and body fitness. Watch out for people who walk across the pavement 4 abreast like they’re using some invisible germ clothesline on you.

You may have to deal with Google piss-take emails, like the one they sent me; It was an email with 'Olly, here's your new Timeline update with your location history'. I'll give Google my location history, A FUCKING BIG ARROW POINTING AT MY FUCKING HOUSE AND A MUCH SMALLER ARROW PUTTING TO THE SHOP 20 YARDS AWAY WITH THE ANNOTATION ‘BEER AND PEANUT RUN’.

Still think of A&E being spared casualties from all the stupid pub fights being prevented due to lockdown. If pubs were open, any fight breaking out would take on a whole new complexion though; "Oh yeah?! Why don't you stand over there and say that?!".

Watch your drinking, its something to do at the moment, but don’t make it the be all and end all, that can be a slippery slope. This was brought home to me by the bottle bins that hadn't been emptied at the flat for a few weeks. Being a poncey real ale drinker I can see exactly the high quantity of beers I've contributed to the bins over the last few weeks. I think what I’m trying to say is, find out what the most generic drink in the country is, and make sure you drink that only.

Diet is important too. Make sure you’re eating well. Pity the poor Ambassador, he’s going to be eating Ferrero Rocher for fucking weeks.

Romantic health:

Truly its difficult for singletons to meet partners in the current climate. However, you have to weigh up the positives.

Firstly, you’re less likely to be murdered by a serial killer on a first date, unless they have the power to control electricity and murder you via an electric current through your computer. And if that’s the case then you were essentially murdered by some kind of superhero. That’s a good story to tell in the afterlife.

Secondly, If the video date is going badly then all you have to do is hold a pose, pretend you lost connection and never ever reply to their messages ever again. That’s the mature thing to do.

Thirdly, you will be spared psyching yourself up, travelling into town spending money on drinks for a prospective date only for them to tell you after an hour ‘I’m not feeling it, I’m going home’. Which I’m sure has never happened to anyone ever…ahem…

Fourthly you get to laugh at all the people who put 'no pen pals' on their dating profile, they may currently regret that as an opening gambit. I guess they could find a tall hill and attempt to semaphore to a prospective partner. Or maybe some kind of enormous yoghurt pot and string contraption.

Mental Health:

It can be hard to avoid the strain the seeming omnipresence Coronavirus related stories can have on your health.

As an example, the Government sent me a letter advising about Coronavirus, but given I work for the Government I was kinda aware. Also, I saw something on the TV about it. And the internet. And heard something on the radio. I think I overheard two people in a shop talking about it too.

But, the Government likes to ram home repetitive messages. I wish every politician would stop repeating 'stay at home, protect the NHS, save lives' at every opportunity. That get repeated Brexit mantra done doesn't strong work and on stable me.

Beauty tip of the week:

In the land of the shut hairdressers for trims and dyes, the baldy bastard is king. Now is our time, look upon our visage all ye mighty and despair.

Reasons to stay upbeat:

When you survive this, in years to come you’ll be able to regale incredulous children about how you heroically did your bit. And 'your bit' probably involves staying in, sitting on your arse, drinking brews and eating hobnobs. You’re a total hero, keep it up.

On the plus side for children, if this homeschooling does go on much longer, kids won't need fake idea to get booze for their GCSE prom night.

And Finally…

Hang on in there. It will pass and you will be ok. Take care.