Shaking your fist at a cloud (and the sky, four trees and a duck).

I made a promise to myself I’d try and churn a piece out write a new article/story each week. Some weeks that’s difficult as I’m a hack with no real talent who seems to have got addicted to the crossing out function as some stories take longer to develop (and other weeks, I’m a little…err…’delicate’ from the night before and my efforts are concentrated on not curling up in the foetal position in the corner of a room bawling my eyes out). So, when that happens, I’m going to raid my own archives for a load of old bollocks attempted humour and observations from another time. I believe in the modern world it called ‘repackaging’. So below are a load of ideas from yesteryear, and if you’ve a good memory, you’ll remember not laughing at them the first time around, that’s consistent writing.

As a single man with no immediate prospects of getting married, I reckon my married friends owe me about 40 toasters, delivered to a hotel nowhere near where any of us live.

Apparently for his pitch for an alien sequel, James Cameron simply wrote the word 'Alien' on the presentation board and then simply added an 's' to the end of the word. I thought I'd do the same for my film sequel idea, but add the 's' to the front of the title for immediate impact. The studios have yet to get back to me on my sequel to the film 'Hitman'.

I'm worried about the loss of British identity. You know getting sunburnt and fighting abroad (currently suspended, pools panel result Spanish Police 4 British Hooligans 1), pretending everything is ok when you're falling apart on the inside, alcoholism, mince and onion based cuisine, mild xenophobia, talking about how 'we' won the war, Michael Gove*, queues for sweatshop labour based clothing shops, strong xenophobia, obesity issues, cosy Richard Curtis films, dog shit in bags hanging from trees, Jack Whitehall, school pressure on children, elitist education systems leading to well-connected uncaring thick as pigshit ambitious semi humans reaching positions of power. Yeah that identity.

*I wrote this statement 4 years ago, kudos for Michael Gove for holding his place. ‘A non-mover’ in Top of the Pops parlance.

Time was Subway was advertising a £3 lunch deal that is available all day. I’m guessing by its ready availability all day it probably isn’t a lunch deal.

If I can tell what your make of phone is from inside your pocket, your jeans are too skinny. Although being able to see what make your phone it is probably not the worst object to make out through skinny jeans…

As a young boy I remember really wanting to hear the Bee Gees sped up as I thought it would be the peak of possible comedy. One day it turned out my friend’s parents had the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack and a record player. And so, a childhood dream was fulfilled, and you know what, they sounded exactly the same sped up. It's good to have your childhood dreams crushed early to prepare you for the world. Seek disappointment at an early age folks, it’ll save you time in later life.

I've been playing the guitar for a while now, but I still can't master those hashtag chords. I'm not great with the lowercase b ones either. And if you don’t play an instrument that reference will probably make no sense to you. Like it doesn’t to me.

Paul McKenna had a supplement in the Sunday papers called 'I can make you thin'. And indeed, he can if you don't mind chloroform and 2 months in a cellar. Never mind the PTSD check out my waist in this summer dress.

My cranberry juice informs me that it has 11% less sugar, but not of what. A sugar plantation? Apprentice hosts? a carrot? White lines lyrics? The Male tenor choir of Borneo?

The closure of most public toilets spares us the eternal game of 'wee or water?' When touching a wet door handle on leaving. Also, the rather easier game of ‘is that a shit in the sink I see before me?’ (a game of Shakespearean proportions)

Anyway, as inevitable as a pigeon flying at your face whilst you're trying to look cool walking down a shopping precinct: here's Monday coming**.

**Unless you’ve read this article at the end of the week, if so, well done you for surviving. And for having the staying power to get this far in the article.