Peasy Loafer

I’m going to attempt to get through this without mentioning the ‘C’ Word. No not cunt (I agonised over whether I should have censored that word but given where we are at this point decided it was fair game, if you were offended, I’m 76.4% sorry), but that virus thing. I’ll probably fail. However, in Agile Project Management (which I’m technically meant to know about) there is a principle of ‘fail fast’, luckily this is something I’ve had down pat most of my life.

OK I’ll start honest, this is mostly ‘recycling’ of social media posts of the last week or so. However, if Jimmy Carr can tour on a ‘best of’ ticket and charge people for the privilege, then surely, I’m allowed a little slack? Not that I’m comparing myself to professional comedian Jimmy Carr, I mean I’ve probably only told 2 good jokes in my lifetime, which is at least 2 more jokes than him…

I’m not going to focus on the pain and tragedy (sorry I totally get it, but my modus operandi is to laugh at the world, cos if you don’t all the pain and horror would sweep you under near instantaneously. And if that isn’t a great set up to a joke then…oh no wait, it’s not at all…) I’m here to poke fun at shit. Cos let’s face it the world doesn’t have enough wannabe comedians making weak jokes online that people probably don’t read, much less laugh at.

Firstly, if you’re housebound and going stir crazy here is a list of ideas on how to stay sane:

1. Bench-press cats (a physical exercise made tougher by the fact they’re not the most co-operative bunch).

2. Write a power ballad about the cleaning merits of Cif.

3. Eat a whole block of cheese (isn’t this good advice for life at any time?)

4. Grow a 'tache and mullet and pretend to be an 80’s Private Eye.

5. Turn your bedroom into a makeshift cockpit and go on my laptop pretending you’re in the control room of a spaceship searching the galaxy for funk boogie

6. Dance in your underpants (other varieties of underwear are available) to banging techno

7. Draw a 6 pack on your stomach and take photos on Instagram of it.

8. Play frozen pee bowling (copywrite O Nuttall 21st March), closest frozen pea to the cherry tomato wins.

9. Suspend a sheet from your ceiling, don a boiler suit and shoot a torch (put coloured plastic over the end of your torch for added effect) at it pretending you're a Ghostbuster. When you’re ready to ‘trap’ it, roll your toaster under the sheet. There may be fire hazards to this option, please make sure everything is PAT tested.

10. Set up camera phones around the house and pretend you're in Big Brother or alternatively Love Island (same as Big Brother but you wear less clothes and smear yourself in gravy browning).

11. Spy on your neighbours pretending you're on a stake out (some of you may do this anyway).

12. Dim the lights (throw towels over your lamps if you don't have dimmers) shake the camera phone under your nose and scream something about demons and thus you've created your own found footage horror movie.

13. Put on your best high heels (not that I...err...own a pair), play loud house music, set the flash to repeatedly go off on your camera phone and strut and pout down the longest room in your house pretending its Milan fashion week.

14. Pretend you’re a poet who has been exiled to their house for scandalous poetry about sprouts.

15. Go online and spout tedious conspiracy theories. Some people may be way ahead of you on this one…

Other things I’ve learned this week; turns out I’m a keyworker. This appears to have less meeting of Sigourney Weaver and hanging out with a demon good inspired by David Bowie than I was expecting. I’m still optimistic on the giant Marshmallow man turning up.

In Education news, the Education secretary Gavin Williamson has said: “We will work with [the] sector and have to ensure children get the qualifications that they need.”. If I was a pushy parent, I would be getting my kid to ask for the architecture degree. Seems the hoary old cliché is coming true and exams really are getting easier.

I’ve found out I’m much more hopelessly addicted to football than I thought. This revelation came to me when I started discussing form and tactics in relation to University Challenge. If I start calling for VAR after a dubious answer then I know its terminal.

Final thought, how do medical professionals who are members of 'Doctors without Borders' know where to end their flower beds?

Oh, and in case no one has said this to you at any point, I believe I’m legally obliged to sign off with stay safe.