Manhunt for the Manchester MerrMen

Diary of Dr Ellen Stainton chief scientific officer for the government response to the global warming flooding catastrophe.

May 5th 2024:

The damage done to the planet is irreversible. No one likes a told you so, but I specifically told the Government this was going to happen if we didn’t take better care of the planet. We are going to have to live in a country that is now more a body of water. How we do that is our greatest chalenge, it is going to take thousands of years for the requisite evolution of webbed fingers and feet. Though historical records seem to suggest this has been happening in a town called Oldham many years previously.

There is hope though. A colleague from a Northern outpost has revealed a rumour of Manchester Merrmen, a set of people who survive in the extremes of water without any evolutionary advantage.

Its funny some of the stories from Manchester only happened a few years ago and yet I cannot place it with the world I find myself in now. It’s not so much the past being another country, but a planet in a different solar system.

I have funding for a one-person submarine mission to travel the 100 or so miles North to see if I can meet this ancient noble race and learn about their adaptations. I must complete the necessary paperwork to travel as a matter of extreme urgency.

1st August 2024:

Paperwork finally signed off. I set sail on the HMS Jaws The Revenge sub tomorrow.

2nd August 2024:

Progress held up by average speed cameras still working as I sailed up the M6.

5th August 2024:

Attacked by youths in sportswear (though they did not look like they had done a sporting activity for some time) on shopmobility carts with floats stuck to their wheels. They were firing primitive catapults at me, one pierced the cans of Carling (I’d brought as a peace-making gift for the Manchester Merrmen, records suggesting this gift would be appreciated) spilling the contents into the water. At this point the youths stopped chasing me as they lapped up the contaminated water.

7th August 2024:

Music plays a key part of the Manchester Merrmen’s life. I keep hearing the same songs over, and over and over again. Records place these songs somewhere between 1987 and 1992. Its as if music seemed to stop being created for these people after this date.

9th August:

No sign of any Manchester Merrmen as yet. However, I seem to be in some sort of supermarket graveyard judging by all the shopping trolleys surrounding my boat. However, consultation of the historical records suggests this may be standard for any body of water in this region.

16th August 2024:

I’ve come across some rudimentary icon of the Manchester Merrmen erected over the water. It’s a crude statue appearing to depict a man shoving another man towards the water. I’ve consulted the computer archive and it just keeps bring up the word ‘bullshit’. I think some water may have got into its internal processers.

21st August 2024:

Addendum to diary entry 7th August. I’ve now heard enough of their tribal music to ascertain some of the lyrics of the songs. Clearly the Manchester Merrmen are religious folk expecting a form of Resurrection of some sort of charming man. They also have some kind of pagan festival for fruit wrestling judging by the melon twisting.

24th August 2024:

First contact with the Manchester Merrman. They’re a curious breed. After initial language difficulties (they appear to have some kind of archaic aggressive dialect where everything sounds like a threat) we managed to exchange small talk. The cans of Carling seemed to warm them to me (although it rendered their speech even less intelligible), I see no evolutionary advantages that has enabled them to live with so much water. Largely they are in polo shirts and jeans with a few heavy parkas. None of this seems to aid their living in this water world.

26th August 2024:

The Manchester Merrmen now trust me enough to take me to their leader tomorrow. They’ve also leant me a bucket hat, which offers no real protection from the water, but they seem less weary of me when I am in it.

27th August 2024:

Meeting with their leader Andy BMerrHNMann. He is a naturalised Manchester Merrman rather than by birth. He seems a bit too slick and polished to truly represent his people authentically. However, he has told me the secret of Manchester Merrmen surviving this watery life comes from bloody mindedness and regular teeth gritted jokes about the water. I’m not sure how this will help the human race survive but I will take it away and apply this in scientific laboratory test conditions.

On leaving my meeting with their leader, some Manchester Merrmen approached me about some festival (they called it a ‘rave’, the historical archives are hazy on what this entails) they invited me to attend on 30th August. Apparently, there is some Sharman at this festival who learned the ancient ways of a mystic Witch Doctor called ‘Bez’. I will attend from an objectively scientific point of view and see what I can learn of this people’s habits.

30th August 2024:

Woooooo I’m off my fookin’ tits! I’m totally made fer it! That’s a tuuuuune! Y’ know what I mean?! He knows, and he knows! Lets fookin’ ‘ave it!! Woooooo!!

21st September 2024:

Ouch my head.