I Charity Walked with a Zombie

Welcome to BBC news today on 8th June as we cover Albert Newton, a zombie of 15 years who has decided to improve the morale of Britain during this corpses rising from the grave pandemic by doing a charity walk from Landsend to Penzance, he’s looking to complete this in 28 days. Obviously this is considerably shorter than the 3-day record set by Lisa Jones, but she was a zombie from the remake of Dawn of the Dead and there was a coach load of pensioners in front of her for the entire route, so there will always be an asterisk next to that record. We now cross to our reporter Sophie Raworth as she walks with Albertfrom the start. Sophie.”

“George. Thank you. I’m with Albert Newton here in Landsend who is about to start out on his amazing charity walk of around nine miles to raise lots of money for the Cheer the Miserable British Up and Zombie Malevolent Fund. Noble causes I’m sure the viewers would agree. He has set up a Just Giving page, though I think some of his family may have helped him with the content design. Albert, what first attracted you to do this charity walk?”

“GGnnn…Brraaaiiinnss…!”

“I think what he is saying is it’s a bit cold ‘Brrr’ but he wants to raise money for charity. Hence ‘Brrraise’. A noble thought from a noble cadaver. Back to you George.”

“Sophie, thank you. Good luck to Albert on that one. And finally, have you ever seen a dog surfing? Well you won’t be ‘bored’ as you prepare to ‘wave’ to Cerberus and his owner Jane in Plymouth…”

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“Welcome to BBC evening news on today the 14th of June, with me Fiona Bruce. Once more we go to Sophie Raworth who is with Albert Newton who is attempting to raise forty-five pounds for the Zombie Malevolent Fund. Sophie”

“Fiona, thank you. Well day six and Albert has made it as far as Sennen, so he is doing really well. The locals have come out to cheer him on, but police have told them to stay indoors to avoid any biting, or distracting Albert. So, Albert how do you think it’s going?”

“Brrraaaiiinnnsss!”

“Wise words from Albert…ooh Albert you cheeky thing, he’s just given me an affectionate little bite on my arm. So, whilst I have the medical team check it out, as its already starting to look a little puss filled, I’ll hand back to the studio. So that’s Albert doing great things from Cornwall. Fiona.”

“Sophie. Ha clearly, you’re very tasty. I’ve been saying that for years.”

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“Welcome to BBC news at six on 28th June. We cross now to the story of Albert Newton and his charity walk. Laura Kuenssberg has taken a break from politics to cover this story, as Sophie Raworth our usual reporter is a little unwell. Laura how is Albert getting on?”

“Fiona. Thank you. Well you join us with exciting news as Albert is passing through Brane, he seems very happy to be in this place and keeps shouting its name out. Despite the warnings of the police some people have come out to put on a spread for Albert, there is cucumber sandwiches, mini pork pies and fondant fancies. All good stuff. Albert is wandering over to the tables now, no, he seems to be going past the tables to one of the locals and…oh Albert. Some things never change. Whilst Albert’s Physio takes a look at the lady Albert has just bitten I’ll see if I can tempt Albert back this way with the juicy severed finger I picked up prior to broadcast. Yes, yes he is coming back over. So Albert, how do you think its going so far? Albert? Ah no he’s too busy enjoying the finger. Clearly this walk builds up an appetite, so I’ll pass back to the studio. Fiona.”

“Ha Laura thank you. What with all that attacking humans this must feel like a bus man’s holiday from Westminster for you Laura!”

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“Good Evening and welcome to Breakfast news. We’ve been covering Albert Newton’s charity walk and it seems there has been a worrying development. Over to Laura Kuenssberg.”

“George. Thank you. There was a little worry, as Albert reached Lowersdrift, it seemed there was some concern that Albert had injured his leg, but his physio has had a look (and got a little nibble for his troubles) and it he’s declared it fine, its just a standard zombie gait. So a bit of excitement, but a false alarm. So with a few days left and just a couple of miles to cover, its all looking very exciting. So, oops nearly slipped in some blood ha. So with £125.27 raised so far its all to play for. George.”

“Laura. Thank you. We’ll be keeping tabs on his sprint finish ha ha!” *******************************************************************************************

“Good morning, and welcome to BBC Breakfast News, everyone has been talking about him, well some people have, anyway its Albert Newton and his charity walk. Well now Albert is a pop star having recorded a cover of the Spencer Davis Group track ‘Keep on Running’, he’s reached number 49 in the charts. Lets hear a little excerpt of that now.”

“Keep on BRAAAIIIINNNNSSS, running from my BRAIIIINNNNSSSS, One fine day I’m gonna be the one to make you understand, oh yeah I’m gonna be your BRRRAAAIIIIINNNNS!!...”

“Well there you have it, if a reanimated corpse can sing it maybe we should ‘reanimate’ top of the pops so he can perform it!”

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“Good evening, it’s the news at 6, and we now go to a story that’s been gripping the nation, Albert Newton and his attempts to get from Landsend to Penzance. We go back to Laura Kuenssberg, who I believe is now in Penzance. Laura.”

“Fiona, thank you. Yes some scenes here. It seems everyone, and I mean pretty much everyone has been bitten by the zombie bug and there is a lot of commotion, the army are here and its all rather lively. Though that’s not deterring Albert who is metres away from the finish line having smashed his initial estimate and raised the princely sum of £348.75. Good work indeed. Excuse me while I just duck under the line of site of the army for a second…sorry about that you’re probably picking up the gun fire, its almost like a salute for Albert, we’re hoping to get a word with Albert when he’s crossed the line…and…oh it looks like one of the soldiers has accidently shot Albert twenty three times in the chest. Just when he was about to cross the line, still he’s raised a lot of funds so that’s the main thing….and…oh I’m getting word in my ear from the producer that the army are about to carpet bomb the area so I’m going to drop my mic and make a little dash for the edge of town…”

“This isssss Sophie Braaaaiiiinnnnssssworth signing off…Fion…braiiinnsssss…”

“Sophie thank you. Even in un-death nice to see her back on TV and true pro that she is finishing the link for Laura. And, yes here come the planes to drop Napalm on the South coast. Well this has truly been an eventful charity event. And now to Tomasz Schafernaker for the weather…”