Covideo/Paper Diary (Sponsored by CU Next Tuesday testing)

Day 1, 07:08 – Just tested positive for the first time in 2 years of pandemic. Not a problem, no big deal, just got to ride it out in a calm and relaxed way.

Day 1, 07:12 – I’m completely fucking bored of this already. Just. Let. It. End.

Day 1, 08:06 – OK this is a gift, I’ve just got to use this time stuck in I’ve been presented with to do the important things in life, things that leave an indelible footprint and will benefit humanity.

Day 1, 08:15 – Nearly managed to belch the entire of the Crimewatch UK theme music.

Day 2, 09:15 – With the second day comes a more philosophical outlook. I managed to come 2 years into this shitstorm without catching it, that’s amazing, and so I’m unbothered I now have it.

Day 2, 10:25 – You bastard, you fucking bastard, the sun is out again this is the British summer I’m missing here it will be gone for good by next week you know. That’s it, by the time I’m out you’ll have plunged me into British Winter! Curse you fates curse you to hell!

Day 2, 14:51 – It seems having Covid involves staying inside, doing nothing, feeling sorry for yourself. I’m struggling to tell it apart from my day-to-day existence.

Day 2, 15:36 – Write overture for rock opera (working titles: We Will Roquefort You, Beauty and the Bries, The Hunchback of Notre Edam, Rennet, Leicester Rouge, Bay Bels are Ringing or Miss Stilton) about a mouse that gains the ability to talk to people and runs for president, teaching home spun cheesedom metaphors to humanity along the way. Decide to scrap it, hasn’t humanity suffered enough already?

Day 2, 17:32 – I should be grateful for small mercies, I still have my taste so now would seem an opportune time to use my culinary skills to cook up a gastronomic delight.

Day 2, 18:05 – Why didn’t Covid take my taste?!

Day 3, 11:09 – Spiderman, Spiderman, does what ever a spider can…climbing the walls, what I mean is I’m climbing the walls.

Day 3, 12:59 – Realise I have the power to look into the immediate future and immediate past. They look exactly the same.

Day 3, 16:00 – Films to watch with Covid; Bug Trouble in Little China, Dawn of the Spread, How Green was my Phlegm, Sex, Lies and Vid, Germs of Endearment, My Test Friend’s Wedding, Top Bat, The Italian Jab/Swab, Hussle and Lateral Flow, A Taste of Nothing, Vax to the Future, S.W.A.B, Sneezy Rider.

Day 4, 08:00 – though it could be anything from Day 1 at 07:08 to day 27 at 23:57. But hey, who is counting?

Day 4, 12:49 – Break down of time spent over the previous 72 hours:

· 33 hours asleep

· 15 hours cursing fate

· 2 hours drinking water

· 5 hours going to the toilet to wee

· 22 hours staring at work laptop hoping it will sort out work for me

· 5 hours eating biscuits

· 6 hours trying to think of funny things to write

· 15 seconds actually writing funny things

· 5 hours spent time travelling

Day 5, 9:30 – Finally testing negative, I’m off to the busiest pub I can find to celebrate being free with as many humans as I can get close to.