Clear the Punway

This blog has no structure. And at this point my legal team are advising me I should make clear none of the previous blogs had any structure either, lest I fall foul of ‘some laws’. I can’t help feeling my legal team aren’t the sharpest law practitioners they make themselves out to be, but they charge me £2546. 57 an hour and a bag of Lemon Sherbets so they must be good.

Anyway I’ve also been advised to warn you that if you suffer from a weak joke allergy, you should leave now as reading this far, there is a high likelihood you’ve picked up some passive pun damage. So, you might say best pun away fast! What’s that? What oh OK, nobody says that.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a pun as “a humorous use of a word or phrase that has several meanings or that sounds like another word.”. Oh, I’d never noticed the word humorous in the definition before. In which case, below is a collection of phrases that have several meanings, or sometimes one meaning. Pun appetite!

First up some lockdown based jokes, everyone loves lockdown jokes right? They remind you you’ve been stuck in the house with people you thought you loved dearly, but now realise the relationship is a gossamer thin treaty that means you don’t have to pay all the rent/mortgage yourself and that you won’t die alone, albeit you have to spend the next X number of years containing your complete contempt for you’re a person you’ve got yourself stuck with. And to think I often got dumped shortly after sending a Valentine’s card to my betrothed.

The news had an item on the shops opening next month with social distancing and ended with the reporter saying “so people are going to have to get used to queuing in this new world.”. I mean has that reporter seen British shops any time from the Bronze age onwards?! I’ve seen people drop to their knees wailing when there isn’t a queue to the till and they realise they have gained five extra minutes to do nothing with. Queues save us from realising the pointlessness of our existence.

The contra flow in shops makes the shopping experience like a punishing game of snakes and ladders, whereby if you get near the end of your shop and have forgotten an item you have to go back to square one. “What do you mean the tinned fruit is kept above the freezers section? What kind of country are we living in?!”

In a similar vein, it would be fun to see the game show Supermarket Sweep in current circumstances with all the obstacles it would be more like Death Race 2000 or the chariot race in Ben Hurr. “And Sharon from Leicester has deployed the wheel blades on Graham from Hull sending him spiraling into the boxes of deodorant acting as some kind of scent based aisle block.”

And Lockdown has really led to a dearth of white powder. Have you tried to score baking powder right now? Luckily I wasn’t too concerned as I was off my face on another white powder I had got hold of. That caster sugar is powerful stuff.

Some sweets I did score was a share bag of Minstrels. Though is there a more pointless invention than the re-seal sticker on these bags? And we need to talk about the name share bag, they’re gonna have to try harder than that to guilt trip me if they think I’m not going to see them as anything other than a ‘reasonable for a human to consume the entire bag’. Though that doesn’t fit very easily on the packet.

During lockdown I’ve had to quarantine my Fleetwood Mac records. It’s the only way to stop Rumours spreading.

My lawyers have told me I need to apologise for the joke above. I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry. If I had my time again, I would tell that joke in exactly the same way.

The prospect of the football season returning is as frustratingly tantalising as that tub of ice cream you didn’t lift out of the freezer early enough and now no conventional cutlery (or several illegal stabby things) can pierce its solid hide.

Top tip for the day for those that are worried about getting a tattoo and it dating or losing its meaning. Just get a tattoo that says ‘Donald Trump is a total nob cheese.’

From Lockdown to some random thoughts I’m crowbarring in here under the connection of they’re written in English language. I think.

This week I had to email someone called Elijah and started the email (call me a traditionalist) with ‘Hi Elijah’ where instantly I had stuck in my head:

“I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the lord

But you don't really care for music, do you?

Well it goes like this :

The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift

The baffled king composing HiElijah

HiElijah, HiElijah, HiElijah, HiiiiiElijaaah”

Don’t ask me about the time when I had to email Waytohell.

The University of California found that 50% of happiness is genetics, 40% behaviour and 10% circumstances. So that lottery win isn’t going to likely make much impact on your life. So that’s bad news, or good news, depending on your genes.

I’ve found out this week that there is actually an International Conference of Procrastination. I’m thinking I may go, but on the other hand…Although I have just got back from the International Conference of Making the Obvious Joke.

Finally, those 90s Swedish pop bands are no respecters of 80s comedy legends trying to join them on stage. Mace to the face of Chevy Chase for trying to keep pace with Ace of Bass I believe.

And if you made it this far then you are truly a hero. Send me a direct message to confirm and I’ll post you your unique ’25 metre wading through shit’ gold medal.

Take care all.