An Error of Comedies?!

More thoughts from the past. They say never go back, but have you tried visiting the future for new material? It’s a logistical nightmare. So here are some ideas I once had, or should I say they once had me?

I assure you (or am I assuring myself?) am writing original material (depending on your definition of the word ‘original’, I take it to mean ‘a lazy knock off’). So, look out coming from the asylum soon:

1. A story about the government’s response to the opening of a hellmouth in England (think Men in Black, but with more tedious paperwork. A lot more tedious paperwork);

2. A poem about a seagull who is a solicitor by day, a masked vigilante by night. I think basically with this one I have a title (Leah Gull - Legal Eagle) and not a lot else.

3. A short story about the trials and tribulations of hotel living for the gods of destruction the eve before visiting their wrath on a city.

I’m not making any of this up. Well I am, but you know what I mean. Anyway, on with the collection of things from the past.

Lady Gaga has said she struggled with acting early on as she got nervous and couldn't be herself at auditions. I'm no expert, but I thought the point of acting was not being yourself. Unless you're Keanu Reeves, or Sid James.

I went to a shop advertising 'A Giant Sale'. Which was a joke, I couldn't see a single giant and they're quite easy to spot.

Like Dorian Gray, I have a portrait of myself in my loft to stop me getting older. Unfortunately it's a self portrait and I'm a terrible artist. Somewhere out there, there is a potato that isn't visibly ageing.

You have to be philosophical when a smaller ape robs your car as it's a case of gibbon take.

I went past a guy in Tesco who was actually skinnier than me. I felt like seeing if Tesco have started selling sand, and if so buying the sand, pouring it on the floor, asking the skinny guy to lie next to it and kicking it in his face. That would teach him to mess with the big boys. Turns out Boris Johnson's favourite film is Dodge Ball. Not a huge surprise. I guess there isn’t a film called ‘Blonde, power hungry, truth averse, blame avoiding, zero principles Nincompoop’. Admittedly that’s a very specific name for a film. Is now the time to mention the screenplay I’m working on…? At zero, Michael Bay and me have directed the same number of good movies. Though I've never made anyone sit through 2 hours of explosions, helicopters, car chases and leering shots of women’s bottoms to prove it, so on that basis you could argue I'm the better director. Do you think some magpies choose to hang around on their own just to fuck peoples shit up? I've got a TV show idea called 'celebrity glove island' where the gloves of celebrities (Michael Jackson, Alvin Stardust, OJ Simpson, Matthew Corbett and many more, well possibly a couple more) are placed in a luxury villa and we see if sparks fly. I expect it to be as riveting as it's near namesake. They go on about Pimms on the lawn being a uniquely British thing and yet when I do it I get nothing but scorn. Admittedly my flat doesn't have a lawn so I did it on the lawn of the school over the road. And I don’t like Pimms so went with a 4 pack of special brew. Still there was no need for that teacher to be so full on with me, and I told her as much, once I’d finished vomiting on my shoes. I see Bryan Adams is known as 'The Groover from Vancouver' due to his country of birth. It’s a pity he wasn't born in Sri Lanka, or hick dead (I’ve not checked an atlas, but I assume that’s a real place).

In an item that could only be filed under 'tenuous media content to fill pages on England during the World Cup in 2018', the paper ran a list of the top 10 Harry's, as Harry Maguire and Harry Kane scored in the tournament (and thus ignoring all the people not called Harry who have already scored for England). This list included Harry Potter (fictional) and Debbie Harry (who isn’t called Harry). Using the internal logic of the paper I give them also Harry H Corbett, Harriet the spy, you know what I mean Harry, Ray Harryhausen, harrier jump jets, haricot verts and sexual harassment. One day autocorrect, you will learn that no I am not trying to use the word 'count' after typing ‘Donald Trump is a’.

Time to jack the stitched together corpse of the weekend to the tallest tower, see if the lightning rod can attract the prerequisite bolt to course through this cadaver and reanimate it to go forth once more with a cry of "its aliiiiive!!!". Alternatively, its Monday in 5 hours and 50 minutes (time accurate at point of going to print) you've fucking no chance.

Look out for yourself and others out there.