A Bad Time to Exhume Good News

A couple of weeks back, I woke up read the news, then went on my Social Media feed and that was moving from bad news to people talking about bad news. I think that equates to bad news squared. At that point I made the decision for a while I was going to lighten my news intake and reading of social media stories. This may feel a bit like burying the head in the sand, but maybe the breather is good for us all? I also decided I was going to use my social media output for nothing more than good news and (mostly low quality) jokes (who am I kidding, entirely low-quality jokes) so as not to be a hypocrite.

So, this blog is all about good news, positivity and bad jokes (mostly really bad jokes, as the first paragraph alludes to). Which given I’m a miserable sod involved a lot of forcing myself to watch episodes of The Good Life with matchsticks in my eyes (think the most middle class version of A Clockwork Orange you can) as a way of reprogramming myself.

My final thought on good news. Keep in touch with people, they appreciate it more than you think. I’ve had a couple of people thanking me for staying in touch with them this week and that was so lovely to hear. And even if people don’t respond to your messages, don’t take it that they’re not grateful for knowing you’re out there thinking of them, more that people have busy fractured lives (now more than ever) so they may not get chance to reply, doesn’t mean that message isn’t worth sending. Though if they say, “enough with the fucking messages nob cheese!”, then yeah maybe you don’t need to get in touch with them, in the immediate future.

So in my quest to remove angry bad sources of negativity, I’m thinking Question Time needs shaking up. So, here are some ideas to take the hard edges off Question Time:

1. Question Tyne - ask Tyne Daly questions about police procedural shows and herbs.

2. Quest on Tyne - panel members must seek the holy grail or slay a dragon in the North East.

3. Mime Question Time - politicians answer questions entirely through the medium of mime, thusly removing generic answers. Although I fear a number of answers may revolve around getting around a huge pane of glass.

4. Busting Rhymes Question Time - politicians must answer entirely in rap, which I’m sure they will be naturals at.

5. White Lines Question Time - politicians answer questions whilst under the influence of class A drugs. I fancy Michael Gove to do well at this one.

6. Stuck in a Mine Question Time - politicians answer questions and the best answer gain them clues to the lift shaft of an abandoned mine. Think of it as the Crystal Maze meets Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.

7. Be Kind Question Time - where...nah this one is never gonna happen...

I’m kind of sick of hearing the cliché ‘the new normal’ as I’m not sure it really means anything. Besides I’ve never been normal, so does the new normal make the old abnormal me now normal in new normal. Or is new old abnormal now new normal and any analogous abnormal an anomaly? Normally I wouldn’t bother trying to work this out, but it’s been a long weekend.

Good news is that we can get out and exercise more. Though I had to laugh at a couple of teenagers who’d just been playing football and walked past me moaning about ‘my knee is fucked these days!’ Etc, etc. And I thought ‘lads you have no idea. It’s when you reach a certain age and you do an injury sticking your arm out of the front door to see if it’s raining. Then you’ll know’.

Still in an effort to keep the grim reaper at bay and attempt to keep my own, seemingly on the verge of petrifying limbs semi flexible, I’ve turned to trying yoga. There is a pose in yoga called ‘full wind’ which I can only imagine is to acknowledge the fact that nearly every yoga pose has you fighting the urge to fart whilst generally bent double near your own backside.

A lot of the news I’ve seen, keeps mentioning detailed investigations. I don’t know much about the Ular family, but their gran must have some impressive forensic skills, as I keep hearing about how they’re going down to her level of detail.

Watching the news, I noticed The White House genuinely has people outside it in black riot gear, balaclavas armed with assault rifles with a ‘secret service’ badge on their uniform. I mean, that’s ether brilliant misdirection, or someone needs to explain to them the first rule about Secret Service club.

Apropos of nothing, imagine if the caped crusader was caught not paying the full levy on the body scanner he bought. Yep, its that man Batman in CAT scan VAT scam sham. (Don’t say you weren’t warned about the quality of jokes to come, its clearly there in paragraph one of this article.

And isn’t it a wonderful world which has the existence of a book with the (non-ironic) title ‘The Complete Idiots Guide to improving Your Self Esteem’. Also featuring in the series ‘How to worry less living on a planet whose sun will burn out sooner or later rendering all life redundant. But its OK you’ll be long dead before that happens’, ‘Become stress free, now, no NOW dickhead!’ and ‘1,001 ways to have less lists in your life’.

So, celebrate life and throw a party, put a Cumberland sausage on the record player. You know I’m still not entirely sure what the young people are asking me to play that.

This week, I also had an idea for a TV show: ‘The Ray Team’ where Ray Mears, Ray Stubbs, Ray Parker Junior and Ray Liotta are soldiers of fortune hiding in the Leicester underground and if you can find them you can hire them to solve problems via the medium of light entertainment. I can’t believe the networks haven’t made it already to be honest.

Also, remember, the current situation provides opportunities. Whilst the authority’s attentions are elsewhere, now is a good time to commit crime. Due to this, I’m putting a team together to rob a bakery, I’ve got most of my crew I now just need a man with a pain. Really needs an accent that joke. And a better punchline. Maybe an improved set up too.

This week,my friend wanted to borrow my tools for a project he was working on to turn a water bottle into a device to cut up cheese. I was happy to lend them to him; it was for the grater gourd (again, see paragraph 1, you WERE warned).

Anyways look after yourselves, good news may not sell, but its constantly happening out there so take solace and don’t think the world is such a bad place all the time, it aint.